The Magical Mystika Tour
by rave
Summary: Er. Some things rather defy summary. Draco is stricken, Crabbe reads Proust, and Ron feels neglected.


Don't ask. My modem was broken, and I was thinking about Mary Sues and how hard I was trying not to make Anika one, and...er...this happened.   
  
  
It's the Magical Mystika Tour, and it's coming to take you away...  
  
Chapter One.  
Mystika Magnificora Cathlyne Bambi-Anne Silverjasmine skipped down the corridor of the Hogwarts express, thinking about toenails. Her long, honey-blond hair streamed out behind her, and she sang to herself in a beautiful soprano voice. All of a sudden she saw three people bullying three other people.  
"Oh!" cried Mystika and she promptly threw herself at the bullies, singlehandedly beating them to a pulp and throwing them into the overhead baggage compartment.   
Harry Potter was instantly stricken. "Who are you, you hunka burnin' love?"  
"I am Mystika Magnificora Cathlyne Bambi-Anne Silverjasmine, a new transfer student from America," said Mystika in her melodic voice. "Who were those people I just destroyed with no more effort than a wave of my pinky finger?"  
"Those were some Slytherins!" cried the girl, who Mystika could see was going to be her romantic rival in the weeks to come. "Boy, you sure were brave!"  
"I am stricken with unrequited love," came the muffled voice of Draco Malfoy from the luggage compartment.  
"Boy, am I ever going to rip his heart into itty bitty shreds in the sixty-two chapters that lie ahead!" said Mystika. They all head a hearty laugh at her wittiness and trooped into the compartment.  
"Help!" said Draco.  
"How come I never get any good lines?" wondered Ron in a moment of uncharacteristic pensiveness.  
"Because you're the Cheerful Sidekick," explained Hermione patiently.  
"Ah," said Ron, nodding sagely.  
  
Chapter Two  
  
"You are the smartest student I've ever had!" said Professor McGonagall in surprise. "What a shock!"  
"Yes, you are very clever," agreed Professor Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling away like little...er...things that twinkle. "Perhaps you are the human incarnation of the God of Minor Annoyances, whose coming prophesied long ago by the Four Founders of Hogwarts, but no, I'm sure that can't be it. Are you perchance the Second Coming of Christ?"  
Mystika turned the entire continent of Europe into a snuffbox and yawned.  
"Grr," said Professor Snape. "Arr. Boo. Grr." Then he did some nasty mean things to some helpless students.  
Mystika turned him into a toad. "Ho ho ho!" cried all the Gryffindors mirthfully, except for Hermione, who was getting kind of pissed off.  
"I think Hermione's jealous," said Harry to Ron late that night.  
"I think Hermione's right," said a disgruntled Ron, trying to wipe some of Mystika's dripping charisma off of his robes. "This is gross."  
Harry gaped at him.  
"I mean, that Mystika sure is swell!" Ron said quickly, pasting a smile onto his face.  
  
Chapter Three  
It was dawn in the Slytherin common room. Draco Malfoy, holding a pair of blue plastic "child-safe" scissors, was cutting hearts out of construction paper to give to Mystika.   
"I wuv oo, Dwaco," said Pansy Parkinson.  
"Shove off, wench," said Draco. "I love another."  
Pansy clutched at her heart, said, "O, I am betrayed," and promptly died, since Draco's love was the only thing keeping her character afloat.  
Crabbe looked up from his well-thumbed copy of Volume fourteen of Proust's À La Recherche du Temps Perdu in the original French, and chuckled stupidly. "Gee, hu hu hu, Draco, you sure are cool."  
"I know," said Draco shamelessly. "I bet Mystika can't resist me."  
He went down to breakfast and gave the construction-paper-hearts to Mystika.  
"Ha!" cried Mystika, ripping Draco's heart out of his chest and doing a merry jig atop it. She even managed to produce a set of bagpipes, upon which she piped a jolly tune as she danced.  
"Ow," said Draco. "I sure wish I wasn't so rotten."  
"I still love you!" cried Pansy, arising from the dead.  
"How cruel is life," said Draco sadly.  
Crabbe sighed. "C'est la vie, Draco, mon ami; c'est l'amour. Un garçon qui aime une fille a toujours un coeur triste." There was a short pause. "Hu hu hu hu."  
  
"I'm still here!" yelled Ron from the sidelines, waving his arms furiously.  
"Oh, give it up," said Hermione, "they're just going to ignore you. Look at what happened to me."  
"Aw, fuck," said Ron, and went back to poking at his potatoes, which were apparently the only thing anyone ever ate at Hogwarts, since they were the only decidedly British food the author could think of.  
  
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EDITED FOR SAKE OF SANITY  
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Chapter Eighty-Nine  
Harry and Mystika sat in the garden, which was unearthlyly beautiful under the full moon.  
"'Unearthlyly' isn't a word," said Ron, but of course everyone ignored him.  
"Mystika, will you marry me?" asked Harry in his irresistably sexy voice.  
"Of course I will, but we're only sixteen," said Mystika, ever the voice of wisdom and practicality.  
"I SHALL KILL YOU ALL," said Voldemort abruptly, popping out of the earth like a daisy.  
"Eek," said Harry, and fainted.  
"Oh, oh, oh," said Mystika, somewhat surprised.  
"AND NOW I SHALL KILL YOU!" Voldemort turned to Mystika, looking very menacing. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."  
"Never!" said Mystika, and waved her hand.  
"Eeblue!" cried Voldemort, and he turned into a café latte   
Mystika promptly drank it, proclaiming, "It's finger-lickin' good!"  
"You're my hero," said Harry adoringly.  
Mystika flexed her muscles and grunted. Draco pined.  
Dumbledore smiled at her, eyes twinkling. "You are the human incarnation of the God of Minor Annoyances, Mystika. Also, you are Sirius Black's long-lost bastard daughter. Isn't that an unexpected denouement?" Unexpectedly, he twitched. "Damn it, all this eye-twinkling is making my pupils itch."  
"Baby!" cried Sirius, appearing out of nowhere.  
"Daddy!" cried Mystika.  
"Death!" intoned Cornelius Fudge, pointing at Sirius.  
"Eee," said Sirius, hiding behind Mystika.  
"Blam," said Mystika's wand. Fudge turned into, appropriately enough, a bar of chocolate fudge. And there was much rejoicing.  
Then all of a sudden Hermione and Ron appeared, toting guns. Neville, Ginny Weasley, and Goyle, extremely irritated because they hadn't been in this story at all, accompanied them.   
"Mystika, we have sentenced you to death for being completely insufferable," said Hermione through her bullhorn.  
"You can't kill me! I'm invincible!"  
"Ah, but we have a secret weapon!" crowed Ron. "The fact that you have no substance at all!" Grinning evilly, he drew a sharp needle from his robes.  
"You wouldn't dare!" screamed Mystika. "I'll turn you all into toads!"  
"Ha!" yelped Ron, and he threw the needle with deadly accuracy. There was a short pop! and Mystika exploded into little wisps of cloth and smooth, shiny, good-smelling hair.   
"Oh my," said Harry.  
"Can I have a new daughter?" asked Sirius hopefully.  
"I have to go get some Visine," said Dumbledore, scrubbing at his eyes. "Jesus, this itches like nobody's business."  
"Now I can finally have some peace and some good lines," said Ron happily.  
"And I'm Hogwarts's best student again!" gloated Hermione.  
"And I'm...er...not tied to some girl's apron strings?" attempted Harry.  
"And I can go back to being unquestionably evil," said Draco cheerfully. "Mudblood!" he screamed at Hermione. "Mudblood!" he added to a rather bewildered passerby. "Mudblood!" This last was directed at a tree.  
"And I'm a bar of fudge!" said the former Minister of Magic, and they all had a hearty laugh.  
And, if there wasn't much rejoicing, at least things were fairly uneventful for a time.  
  
  



End file.
